[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
your honor my client chooses dare
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.