*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Its true…
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
She was REALLY feeling it.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.