throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
be careful
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
pelicons
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?