Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Okay, I’m still confused…
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….