Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
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Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn