[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Pass gas, not judgment.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
*puts words between two asterisks*
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
When you don’t understand how floors work
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.