Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
You Might Also Like
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
This rocks
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.