[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
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[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Breaking news:
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.