I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.