Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker