My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Said the murderer.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws