“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Wait a minute…
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.