Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.