Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.