The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle