I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
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When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
But that’s none of my business
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog