My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
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People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
That de-escalated quickly
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.