The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
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I only eat vegetarians.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.