Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”