Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
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Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Breaking news:
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.