I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.