Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
BRO LMFAO
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.