My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.