doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
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As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot