me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
They’re stuck in your pants?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.