how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job