My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this