HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
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if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
just make the entire table out of coaster
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.