I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.