doing your own taxes
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Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I’m having an out of money experience.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)