There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”