Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.