Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Its true…
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.