* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
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Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache