Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
This made me chuckle cuz mood
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around