It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.