Lmfao
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Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*