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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Terribly Tuesday.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.