[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.