My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
sensitive skin
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.