Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
scared to check what name she chose
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.