[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Very problematic
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Siri: Retweet me.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Holy shit he’s back
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.