With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.