My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra