The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
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Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?