got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
birds and squirrels envy us
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go