If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
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Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
no cat here
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?