You Might Also Like
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”