What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.