When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
fr
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….